I still remember when my neighbor Bob got his first smartphone a few years back. Within weeks, he was showing me dozens of photos on Instagram, asking if I thought each one was good enough to post. The man was a chess champion, for crying out loud, but suddenly he needed strangers on the internet to validate his morning coffee.
I’ve never been much for posting my own life online. Sure, I scroll through Facebook now and then to see what my grandchildren are up to, but sharing my own updates? That’s never felt necessary to me. And according to psychology research, there might be something to that instinct.
Turns out, people who choose not to broadcast their lives on social media often display some pretty remarkable qualities. Not because they’re trying to be different, but because they’ve developed a particular kind of confidence that doesn’t rely on external feedback.
Let me walk you through what the research says.
1) You have a strong sense of internal validation
Here’s something interesting I learned from a study published in PMC: people who constantly seek external validation through social media can actually prevent themselves from developing a strong internal sense of self.
When you’re always looking for likes, comments, and shares to feel good about yourself, you’re essentially letting others determine your worth. Research shows that individuals with strong internal resources, like personal strengths and values, have higher self-esteem and don’t need constant external affirmation.
Think about it this way: if you feel good about planting your tomatoes or finishing a woodworking project without needing to tell the world, that’s internal validation at work. You know what you’ve accomplished, and that’s enough.
I’ve seen this with my own eyes. My daughter Sarah posts everything online. Every meal, every outing, every thought. Meanwhile, my son Michael lives his life quietly, and he seems genuinely content. He doesn’t need a hundred people to validate his choices to feel confident about them.
2) You maintain healthy boundaries
One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that boundaries aren’t just about saying no to others. They’re also about protecting your private life.
People who don’t post on social media understand something fundamental: not everything needs to be shared. They recognize that privacy isn’t about having something to hide, but about maintaining control over who gets access to their personal information and experiences.
Studies on social media and mental health have found that managing privacy boundaries is crucial for psychological wellbeing. When you constantly share your life online, you’re essentially inviting everyone into your personal space, which can lead to what researchers call “boundary turbulence.”
During my decades in insurance, I learned that healthy boundaries in your personal life work just like policy limits. You decide what’s covered and what’s not. It’s about protecting yourself, not shutting people out.
3) You’re comfortable with who you are
I’ve mentioned this before, but authenticity is something I value deeply. And here’s the thing about people who don’t post on social media: they don’t feel the need to curate a perfect version of themselves.
The research on this is fascinating. When people create idealized versions of themselves online, they’re essentially living in two worlds: their real self and their online persona. Psychology research indicates that constantly portraying an aspirational self can have negative consequences on self-perception and mental wellbeing.
People who abstain from social media posting tend to accept themselves as they are, flaws and all. They’re not constantly editing their image or worrying about how others perceive them. That’s a remarkable kind of confidence.
When I retired five years ago, I went through a period of questioning my identity. But I worked through it by reflecting on my values, not by seeking validation from others online. That process made me more comfortable with who I actually am, not who I thought people wanted me to be.
4) You don’t seek validation through comparison
Ever notice how scrolling through social media can leave you feeling inadequate? That’s notbb accidental.
Social comparison has always been part of human nature, but social media amplifies it to an unhealthy degree. Research shows that people who spend more time on social platforms are more likely to engage in upward social comparison, constantly measuring themselves against others who appear to have better lives.
By not posting, you’re essentially opting out of that competitive cycle. You’re not trying to one-up anyone or prove that your life is worth living. You just live it.
I think about my weekly poker games with the guys. Nobody posts about winning a hand or brags online about their strategies. We just enjoy the game for what it is. That’s real connection without the comparison trap.
5) You value real relationships over virtual connections
Let me ask you something: when was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone through a comment section?
People who don’t post on social media tend to invest their energy in face-to-face relationships. They call their friends instead of liking their posts. They visit family members instead of scrolling through their photos.
Studies have found that while social media can provide a sense of connection, it often leads to more superficial relationships compared to offline interactions. The depth of connection you get from sitting down with someone over coffee can’t be replicated through online exchanges.
My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. We’ve maintained that relationship through actual conversation, shared experiences, and being present for each other. Not once did social media factor into building that bond.
6) You protect your mental health proactively
Here’s something that might surprise you: research published in studies on depression and social media found that higher social media use is associated with increased anxiety and depression, particularly among younger people.
By choosing not to post, you’re protecting yourself from several mental health risks. You’re not exposing yourself to cyberbullying, you’re not constantly seeking external validation that might never come, and you’re not comparing your behind-the-scenes life to everyone else’s highlight reel.
That takes confidence. It takes confidence to say, “I’m going to prioritize my mental wellbeing over staying constantly connected online.” It’s a proactive choice, not a passive one.
I’ve watched some of my grandchildren struggle with the pressure of maintaining an online presence. The anxiety about likes and comments, the fear of missing out, the constant need to check their phones. It’s exhausting just watching it, let alone living it.
7) You’re focused on the present moment
Remember the last time you went somewhere beautiful? What did you do? If you’re like most people on social media, you probably spent a good chunk of time photographing it, filtering it, and crafting the perfect caption.
People who don’t post on social media tend to experience life more fully. They’re not constantly thinking about how to frame their experiences for an audience. They’re actually in the moment, absorbing it, feeling it, living it.
I learned this lesson when I took up guitar at 59. I didn’t post about my progress or share videos of me playing. I just enjoyed the process of learning something new. No pressure, no audience, no comparison. Just me and the music.
That presence, that ability to be fully engaged in what you’re doing without thinking about how it will look online, is a form of confidence that’s becoming increasingly rare.
8) You make decisions based on your values, not opinions
One of the downsides of living your life publicly on social media is that you start factoring in public opinion when making decisions. Should I post this? What will people think? How will this look to my audience?
People who don’t post have freed themselves from that consideration. They make choices based on their own values, their own goals, their own sense of what’s right. They’re not swayed by what might get the most likes or generate the most engagement.
Research on self-affirmation shows that people with strong internal values are more resilient and better able to handle life’s challenges. They’re not looking for external approval because they’ve already approved of themselves based on their own standards.
When my wife and I nearly divorced in our early 50s, we worked through it privately. We didn’t air our problems online or seek validation from strangers. We made decisions based on our commitment to each other and our values. That’s a different kind of strength.
9) You understand that not everything is everyone’s business
Finally, people who don’t post on social media tend to have a healthy understanding of discretion. They know that some things are meant to be private, not because they’re shameful, but because they’re sacred.
Your personal achievements, your struggles, your family moments, they don’t need to be validated by an online audience to be meaningful. In fact, keeping them private often makes them more meaningful.
I think about the births of my grandchildren, our family holidays, the quiet moments with my wife, my dog Lottie sleeping at my feet while I write. These are precious to me precisely because they’re mine. Not content. Not posts. Just life, lived and cherished.
Final thoughts
Look, I’m not saying social media is inherently bad or that everyone who posts lacks confidence. Far from it. Some people use it thoughtfully and maintain their sense of self despite being online.
But there’s something to be said for the quiet confidence of people who choose not to participate in that constant broadcast of their lives. They’ve found their worth within themselves rather than in the reactions of others.
So if you’re someone who rarely or never posts on social media, know that psychology backs up what you might already feel: you’re displaying a particular kind of strength and self-assurance that’s worth recognizing.
And if you’re someone who does post frequently and you’re reading this, maybe ask yourself: am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I need to? The answer to that question might reveal more about your own confidence than you think.
What do you think? Have you noticed differences in how you feel about yourself when you’re posting versus when you’re not?
